Hello everyone,
Exams have been cancelled the past two years, and although it seems unlikely it will happen again in 2022, the requirement is to have extra sets of mocks just in case. When there's still so much content yet to be taught, and revision to fit in, emotions are high, and spirits are wavering.
I’m going to share with you five steps to help keep your teenager motivated and positive at this crucial time – and hopefully inspire some confidence in parents too!
Obviously life since 2020 has been momentous for all of us in different ways, and the uncertainty and instability surrounding work, finances, what we can do, what we can’t do, protecting ourselves and loved ones, the inability to predict and plan for the immediate future, has taken its toll on mental health and stress levels to a lesser or greater extent for everyone – not least for our young people.
When the UK government made the unprecedented decision to cancel the 2020 summer exams, the academic world was thrown into a frenzy – there were countless questions to which no one had answers, examiners lost their work, teachers had to do a sudden U-turn on assessments, students were left feeling bewildered, and their parents keenly took on their teens’ feelings as well as their own worry and disappointment.
Unfortunately, an overwhelming majority declared feelings of despondency… that they had done all this hard work for nothing, and I read many posts from parents and teachers who felt the same way. That they were heartbroken for all the wasted time and effort. Then came the algorithm fiasco where scores of A-Level students found they had been given wildly inaccurate grades- particularly for those from poorer areas demonstrating clear inequality – my friend’s son was given Ds when he had been consistently predicted As which was understandably crushing, and fears for university acceptance were commonplace on social media.
As someone who is no longer in the school environment but still works closely with teenagers and their parents, I felt extremely saddened to see what a devastating effect the cancellation of exams had on so many young people and their teachers. And to my mind, it made truly clear what a test-driven society we have become. For none of that time and hard work was wasted – education and self-development cannot be a waste. What we can grieve for is the extra stress and upset inflicted when anxiety levels were already high.
As New Year 2021 came around, social media was full of good riddance to 2020 messages – desperate to leave the year behind in anticipation of a brighter 2021. Actually… I remember similar messages at the end of 2019.
While a new year is a natural time to look forward to new prospects and sunnier days, it’s also important to grieve for what we’ve left behind, process undealt with emotions, and reflect on what life has thrown our way.
The aftermath of the 2020 exam cancellations has been living on with our current Year 11s through to university students.
I have had young people expressing their frustration over the past couple of years about the uncertainty ahead. Will our exams be cancelled? Will the mocks be going ahead? Is there even any point in revising? And I know many others have taken a step back from their studies, simply from a feeling of overwhelm and lack of direction. So, what can we do to look forward positively with our teens?
Here's a simple 5-Step Guide to Helping Your Teen Stay on Track.
1. Independence –
Everyone wants to feel independent and free, and this is something particularly important for the teenager. They are already restricted in so many ways, it’s important to give them independence whenever it’s safe and appropriate to do so. They don’t have a choice when it comes to going to school/ sitting exams, but they’ve been given some options regarding which subjects they want to take, and maybe some input as to which school they want to go to. When we are told we have to do something, our natural response is to do the opposite – even as adults. When my mum used to go on at me to tidy my room I actively decided not to just because I’d been told. As soon as I felt it was my independent decision to keep a tidy room in order to become successful, that’s what I did. The key is to always let your teens feel they have an element of choice. Set up a revision timetable with them and ask them to lead the way. When do they feel they work best – straight after school or after dinner? How do they want to fit homework around extra-curricular things like rugby and seeing friends? What ‘me-time’ can they factor in?
2. Respect –
Another thing we naturally strive for is respect. If we don’t feel respected, we become apathetic, despondent, irritable and depressed. The simplest way of showing respect to our children is to ask them about their feelings. Have you ever heard the complaint ‘My teacher hates me. She’s always picking on me.’ Of course, this is very unlikely - I can’t imagine any modern teachers having the time or energy to pick on a child fueled by hatred, let alone the desire to. However, it’s important not to devalue someone’s feelings which is disempowering and may discourage your child from coming to you in the future to share problems. To instantly reply ‘that’s not true’ may be tempting but a more productive start could be ‘why do you feel like that?’. Encouraging our teens to expand on their feelings not only shows our respect, but also opens up discussion which could lead to the real problems, and potential resolutions.
3. Avoid Bribery –
It can be tempting to offer bribes like treats and money to get teens to work harder and achieve higher results, but this actually disempowers young people – leaving them with no inner desire to achieve for their own merit. £100, or a new bike, or a snowboarding trip are short-term rewards whereas academic achievement is a long-term and life changing reward and should be seen as such. Although we obviously want the best for our children and would do anything to obtain success for them, we have to remember this is their lives, and they deserve the opportunity to own their study pathways and thus feel proud of their own accomplishments. Likewise, threatening punishment for poor attainment or bad grades is rarely a productive move; often leading to increased anxiety and overwhelm which severely handicaps the ability to focus and achieve.
4. Teen-led Goal Setting –
Just as it’s great to encourage teenagers to lead the way with revision timetables, it’s also great to ask them what they want from life. Help keep goals small and obtainable. Being given goals and deadlines at school which have changed over and over, even if that’s no one’s fault is, disheartening. Instead of worrying about what the teachers want, what the parents want, what society wants, let your teenager decide what he wants for himself. We all have an innate need to strive for survival and success and nobody is 100% unmotivated. Try working out what it is he wants to achieve and why, then help to plan how to go about meeting those goals. Due to the stage of development, the teenage brain is not particularly good at planning and organizing which is where a parent stepping in to help can be crucial. Visual cues like mind maps, calendars and dream boards are ideal ways to keep your teen on track without nagging and berating. On the plus side, a teenager’s reward response is way higher that that of an adult, so making those goals fun, including their friends and setting mini rewards for personal achievements can keep up motivation and self-confidence.
5. Show Positivity –
The most effective teachers and speakers are the ones who are passionate about their subjects. Their positivity creates an energetic wave that sweeps through their listeners and naturally raises their enthusiasm. We are all affected by the energy around us whether negative or positive and particularly by those closest to us. Even if as an adult you are worried or frustrated about your child’s progress it is important not to show these feelings with her. Instead, encourage her to think of positive strategies to overcome each problem. Try to celebrate the achievements and progress, however small, and show how excited you are for your child’s development and prospects. And when an obstacle comes up, use it as an exciting opportunity for problem solving.
All of these topics and so much more, with resources and coaching are available in my online Academic Coaching course – ‘Reaching the Stars’. If you would like to book a complimentary breakthrough call with me, please use the Calendly link provided.
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